If I had to describe my personality in an action, it would be *cautiously optimistic finger guns*

Current mood: I’m listening to Hall & Oates and if you interrupt me, I’ll rip your arms off and beat you to the sweet, synthy beats.

It’s all well and good to say you don’t project heavily onto your characters until you read your writing and realize just how heavily you actually project onto your characters.

Headphones and Tupperware definitely rank in the top five of human inventions.

How can I get someone to pay me to be a dessert blogger?

One day you’re riding high, the next you’re getting trashed on a Tuesday afternoon at the Olive Garden bar.

Big Ben could be a pocket watch for giants.

A single, lonesome yaaass rings out over the trees.

Sometimes I can’t tell if it’s my glasses that are smudgy, or my eyes.

Hot Take: Everything would be better if we all just sat down for a minute.

‘You shouldn’t microwave Styrofoam’ –Look, I don’t tell you how to live your life.

I haven’t felt a human emotion since 1998.

Having a panic attack while eating a burrito is a strange experience.

I mean, Ray Parker Jr.’s “Ghostbusters” wouldn’t be my first choice to play at a McDonald’s, but I’m not Mr. Ronald McDonald, so what do I know.

Wouldn’t that be messed up if it turned out Keanu Reeves’ character in the “Matrix” was actually named ‘Neosporin.’

Okay, but why is ‘prerogative’ spelled like that?

My existence on this planet is 80% spite, 10% stubbornness, and 10% foolhardy hope. And 10% an inability to do basic math.

I’ve done the math and coffee is the best thing in the world. And that’s on mathematics.

It really shows you’re, like, doing well mentally when you take a shot of a day-old whiskey sour at 8:30 in the a.m. because you thought it was lemonade.